Every morning, I open my computer or get on my phone and peruse my Twitter and Facebook news feed. Once I feel that I am up to speed on the goings-on out there in social media universe, I move on with my day and check back around lunch time. If I feel that I have something entertaining/unusual/thoughtful/joyful to share with my cyber-comrades, I post a status update. Otherwise, I leave without a trace, like a ninja. Here is the problem: there are a number of “friends” on my Facebook who do not utilize this qualification process for their posts. They just put every bit of minutia in their brain out there. This offends me as I spend precious moments of my life sifting through their updates. I have given names to each type of offender, which I will detail…now:

The Over-Sharer:

This person just wants to tell you absolutely EVERYTHING they are doing. They cannot go an hour without documenting exactly what came to pass in their life since their last update.

Susie Q: “Going to granny’s!” 2 hours ago

Susie Q: “Driving back from granny’s!” 1 hour ago

Susie Q: “Just got home from granny’s- unloading the car. These bags are heavy!” 30 minutes ago. Seriously.

Enough! Absolutely no one cares that much about your day, not even your mom. If anyone ever wanted to stalk you, you would be handing yourself over on a silver platter. When Facebook launched the “status” feature, they did not literally mean for you to give a captain’s log of your life. And you do not need pictures to support these posts- never ever. Addendum: Mobile picture posts are to be reserved for entertaining things you observe like funny signs, crazy bag people in shocking outfits, adorable children or animals (there is a limit on this one if they are YOUR kids) etc.

The List-Maker:

This person is a lot like the over-sharer except their over-sharing is condensed into one or two boring posts a day. The list-maker seems to think that the status update bar is the place to put their to-dos for the day. I don’t know if they genuinely think people care or maybe they don’t own a notepad and pen.

Betsy: “Making breakfast, dry cleaner’s, grocery store, clean house, laundry, make dinner, jog, bed.”

The list-maker often posts lists every day, even if their activities do not change. Look, if you drop the kids at school, run errands, clean house and go to the gym every day- no need to post again! Posts like these just make me think of the famous priorities on Jersey Shore- “Gym, Tan, Laundry.” This brings me to my all time, list-maker pet peeve: tanning updates. Why in the world do you need to let everyone know that you are tanning? So we can all pray for your skin cells? Boring! Also, I thought the point was to keep it under wraps so that you appear to have an authentic tan, even though you are fake-baking. Essentially, you are saying: “Everyone- just in case you were wondering what I am doing right now- I am laying in a supine position in a fiberglass UV bed for the next 15-20 minutes. Please assume that I look great.” So annoying. A couple of these and I remove you from my news feed.

The Ultra Bore:

This person may not update often, but when they do, it’s not worth reading. The Ultra-Bore is often a guy who is not that into Facebook , but he feels pressure to update once in a while. Gold star to him for trying to keep up with the times and participate in social media, but if this is what you’re giving us, just go back off the grid.

Bob: Working. January 15th

Bob: I’m hungry. February 3rd

Bob: Cold day. March 7th

Fail, Bob, fail.

The Open Book:

This person can also be known as The Attention Junkie. These people tend to put things all over Facebook that should really be reserved for a visit with the doctor, a phone call with Mom…or a conversation with a priest. Their posts make you feel guilty for reading them.

Kevin: “Well, Sally broke up with me again. This time, she said it was because I cheated on her with that waitress at Chili’s. Guess I need to go get all my stuff out of her house before she burns it. That leaking sore is back on my foot again and I found a lump on my…”

No no no no no! Do you not understand the concept of a diary? Maybe you don’t care if everyone knows, but I care that I know. Without any warning, you gave me a run down of your intimate life details and your medical issues. In a mansion somewhere, Mark Zuckerberg weeps as his robot hands him tissues $100 bills.

Women who share too many emotional details (the Attention Junkie) are often hoping for 25 comments that read, “Oh no! Poor baby!” or “So sorry, girl- I love you!” How many hugs did your parents withhold to make you word vomit on Facebook to feel loved?

And finally, The Self-Proclaimed Pundit:

This person is extremely opinionated on certain subjects (politics, sports, world issues) and they use Facebook as their soapbox. They will use the max characters allowed for a status update to explain exactly how to fix the national debt, how to deal with foreign nations, how a coach should have better utilized Michael Vick in order to win the game.

John: “Like I said all along, the president passed that bill and blah blah blah. If he would just blah blah blah and stop blah blah blah, then we wouldn’t have to worry about blah blah blah. Problem solved! You see, this is what is wrong with our system…

Attached: CNN article

Who do these politicians with their law degrees and all their years of experience think they are? Why are they not listening to the junior in college who CLEARLY has all the answers? A little humility, please. Now, I totally support free speech and I love expressing my opinion (see: this entire post), but I think if you want to constantly rant about a particular subject, start a blog or a journal of some kind. Go to a website with a message board. If you find an article interesting once in a while, maybe share the link without editorializing the crap out of it. But please, stop using your Facebook friends as an unwilling audience to your diatribes.

Now, I have tons more (the “Like” Button Junkie, the Quiz Taker, the Song Quoter, the Debbie Downer, the Inappropriate Single Mom), but I won’t get into those. I feel like such a cantankerous old woman, but I really am blown away at what people deem status-worthy information. Thank goodness for the “block” feature, even if it was intended for stalkers and creeps.